he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
