You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
