I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
