I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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