In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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