Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
