why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
