my room smells like sperm. sweet.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
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We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
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Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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