Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
