dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
