waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
