Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
