he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
