just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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