if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
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Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
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But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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