there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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