woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
