Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
pray to the hookup gods
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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