I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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