I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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