I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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