i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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