All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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