Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
