On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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