my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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