We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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