She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
