his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
