Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
