It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
