Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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