Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
