I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
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