Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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