I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I currently don't understand fingers.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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