So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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