yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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