So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I need help removing her.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
