The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
