Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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