you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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