The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
