I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
