i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
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Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
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I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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