I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
