The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
