I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
