it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
