she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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