I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
