dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
