The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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