You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
