Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I got inside last night via doggy door
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
