Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
