got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
