guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
