if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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