I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
